Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
