My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
