Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
