my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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