im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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