i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
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frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
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That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS