I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.