So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
