I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted