Your face is a jimmy john
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
