fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house