just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
