An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You can't just leave with hair like that
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
