please come you make the beer taste better
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
