This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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