WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
