you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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