so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
