I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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