Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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