you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
