He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
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Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
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March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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