found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
