I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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