Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize