So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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