I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
