wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
