I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
