Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
