you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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