Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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