Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We are two peas in an std pod
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I feel like death gave me a hand job
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
