Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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