Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.