The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
