After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
