Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
