somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
