I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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