I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
