Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
