i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
