In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We need to rekindle our bromance
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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