I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
