My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
