Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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