naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
