How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
