Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
