I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
