I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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