Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
