just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
