if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
