This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
