I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
