I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
