Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
