You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
