Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
