You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
