Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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