We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Of course I have a pirate flag
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
